May 25, 2017

Here it is.

Thanks for the photo, M.B.Snider.

I'm at a point in life I am unsure why I do what I do...yet, everyone tells me that I need to be able to explain this. I'm so far into what I do that I can barely remember why I got started to begin with...

So, here it goes, a skimming of the surface...

There are many stories we could share that consist of non-truths within truths that will always be forever changing and bendable depending on an individual's lifestyle, life experience, perspective, frame of mind, daily mood...

It's mind boggling and creatively paralyzing.

Yet, it's imperative that we hone in order to clearly share what we have to offer.

My big question on a daily basis...Am I living my life purpose? Am I supposed to attempt to offer support, accountability and an honest reflection to individuals who desire change....and *can I* even begin to share something useful?

Yes? I think so?

Honestly, it has been so long since I've actually shared that I don't even know anymore. But, here it is: my possibly futile attempt to share a bit about my story and why I want to serve others. Ideally, others who may relate to this story, these experiences, reflections and insights that I'm willing to share...

Here is a stream of conscious from this morning dabbled with "insights". Whatever that means...I'm sitting at my kitchen table listening to the rain (for reals), drinking too much coffee (I'm sure) and wondering if I'm actually going to publish this (I guess I did)....Shit.

Okay here goes:

When I was 19 years old I woke up from a prophetic dream that is continuing to play itself out to this day.  I said aloud to my guides "I want someone to take care of". I felt like I came from a place that made sure to let me know every ounce of energy it took to deal with me. Like so many others, I felt like a burden, a mistake, an annoying light that people shot at in hopes that it would finally stop shining into their house when it's dark outside.

I woke up that morning feeling guilty for everything I had ever "Taken" from the world around me -- including food, shelter, health care, love...

I thought the only way that I could regain my sense of worth would be to take care of someone as they did me. Low and behold, I met that someone. It's not that they were a realistic and comparative energetic match to who I was, however, they sure did represent how I felt I should be treated. Lesson learned...ready or not, ask and you shall receive.

This individual's character was a grotesque depiction of who I felt I had been...twisted and stretched through a lens Dali would understand. They were a shadow side of the shadow within my subconscious. I nestled in this dynamic of being "taken advantage of", used, talked down to, ignored, abused, lied to and belittled. Of course that wasn't what I deserved, or, what I put out, however it was what I felt I deserved and therefore had welcomed into my life.

In hindsight, I realized this was one of the first times I consciously could experience how we create the world in which we feel we deserve to live in. While we can give and take as if every transaction ends with an zero balance, this does not actually always lead to inner growth.

Neither does always giving while never allowing an opening to receive.

I am beginning to realize how this has been one of my biggest downfalls. It's funny becuase as I write this I recall my intention for this (2017): "to receive". I'm realizing as the year goes on the rest of that intention should read "to receive without feeling that I am indebted to The Universe".

It can be so much easier to give freely than to receive freely, yes?

 Talk about a challenge.

Fast forward 17 years later, through the trenches of my second decade in life... post traumatic stress disorder, functional alcoholism, rape, dropping into the college drop out bucket, depression, social anxiety, suicidal thoughts, major debt, six + car wrecks, betrayal from individuals who "loved me most", bulemia and anorexia followed by years of obesity, zero self-esteem, a hermitage....I tried to go at it all alone for years.  I even left my first love and support system -- making music.

Sometimes I wish that I could pin point what kept me going. If I could say anything, it would be the language of The Universe; the synchronicity that dappled my everyday, the little beautiful things: flowers, insects, birds, the breeze, music, bodies of water, my Spirit Guides, my father's ghost, my vivid dream life, walks in the cemetery (insert random Depeche Mode song here)--- these kept my heart alive.

I believed in magic and the power of prayer (for lack of better word) from a young age (to no particular God/Goddess/Guide that I knew by name, but, continued to converse with none-the-less). This kind of an entity is both soft and strong, a good listener and communicator...and also popular and ignored by many.

I recall being on the top bunk of my childhood bed and making a conscious decision to only pray for others as it felt selfish to pray for me. That eventually changed. I eventually came to understand how when we want change, we must ask for it, believe it, AND be open to it. When we do this, logic-defying, seemingly magical and life-altering experiences can come so easily. Faith becomes Life's never ending currency.

You don't have to believe that an Entity=Higher Power. You just have to have faith in a rhythm, a flow, a dance with all the energies of the world -- the visible and invisible.

Eventually I came to Mary, and as soon as I could afford therapy, I dove right in. The best action of my life, that's for damn sure. Well, that and stubbornly following my heart regarding my day-to-day work.

At the early beginnings of my second decade, when I first hit rock bottom, my intuitive and empathic self found respite in the writings of Carl Jung about dream analysis, psychology and healing from our shadows.

It lead me to the art, music and healing philosophy of  Hildegard Von Bingen and book on how to heal yourself through whole foods and eventually onto my path of becoming an herbalist, health coach and advocate for self-acceptance.

I began my journey of healing myself as best as I could -- through healthy food, understanding unique body types, listening to dreams, honoring intuition, letting go of relationships that no longer served either parties, integrating herbal medicines and making special time to communicate with my Spirit guides and Nature. .

After all, they are the ones who lifted me up during times of trauma and stress from the moment I slipped into this world in.

Also, inner and outer reflection. Lots of this -- we have to assimilate what we take if we want to create and share our gifts and our offerings. That shit is gold

Learning what it meant to be in my body, to love to move my body and finally love AND respect myself, body included, was possibly my biggest hurdle and biggest triumph.

The best decision in my spent hundreds of hours with my amazing support and rock of a therapist -- unwinding my story, picking up lost pieces of self, letting the light shine inward and letting my light shine outward.

But, also, so much gratitude to allowing time and space for yoga, writing, time by Water, sloshing feet in the mud, laying in the sunshine, learning to trust again, laughing, trying to help others laugh, sitting with my depression without feeling like I needed to be someone else, rediscovering sexual intimacy, remembering how to play out loud and speaking up.

Still learning what it means to create something from these shadows; these experiences, moments of clarity, support systems and ultimately, the journey of self-acceptance. They have stretched, broken and reassembled me into a montage of darkness and brightness...a kaleidoscope of colored glass hemmed together by fragile sheets of metal, blood, crystal and bone.

I know. I do love a good drama. But, even more so I love great comedy, divine synchronicity, authenticity, fearlessness compassion and honesty.

I would love to hear from you -- Do any of these experiences ring true to you past or present? If so, let me know. I'm full of stories, resources and foolish wisdom.

Your questions light me up and keep me going <3




  1. I love this so much and it resonates in my so deeply. You are someone I love so much, I loved you instantly upon meeting you. Your generous heart, your humor, your soul beauty, your wisdom - all of the things that are you. That kaleidoscope of colored glass. Thank you for writing this and for sharing it and for being in the world.

    1. Thank you so much, Lori-Lyn. I love you so much too and feel the same way. I also admire who you are, have been, are becoming -- all of it. Thank you for such love!

  2. I recently did a syncronicity timeline and what I found what that all of those moments of shadow, chaos and conflict catapulted me to the next spiritual level, closer to the Divine, closer to my soul self. I am still on the journey, as we all will be until our bodies die, and I work daily to keep Spirit as my source...not any outside circumstances or conditions. As far as life purpose, I think that changes somewhat depending on what level we are on, but I know I am here to serve and love others as well as myself along the way. Love and light to you, sweet Nishaan!!

    1. Your words and insights here are so, so beautiful, Anna! What a gorgeous way of describing your journey, "all the moments of shadow, chaos and conflict catapulted me to the next spiritual level, closer to the Divine, closer to myself." Thank you so, so much for sharing this experience, for reading above and shining your light to serve and love! Love and light back to you sweet Anna.

  3. Thank you for this. I miss you.

    1. I miss you too sweet woman! Thank you so much for reading this and your encouragement. Love your way!

  4. Thank you for this. I can relate to much of it, and am currently in a time of new life emerging from a froth of effort, pain, history, and love. Always love.

  5. I am eternally grateful to you for softening my heart and opening my eyes to the magic. Your story is a beautiful illustration of the power and goodness that dwells within us all.

  6. Your an amazing woman today, and what you witnessed and experienced from your past and the lessons you have learned from them and combined with your trainings over this current decade, think of as clinicals. Long hard work to come out on this side. To be as strong as you are today. WOW! Now your helping others heal thru your writings and your hands and that wonderful brilliant mind. I can't wait to see what your going to do in the next ten years. Wishing you the brightest light to shower over you. Love, Kitty

  7. I have had this tab opened on my phone for ages, and as I wrap up my trip abroad, realizing I did nothing I said I wanted to do, yet everything I needed to do, this was JUST what I needed to read. As always, thank you for always sharing such amazing words, insight and laughs. Xoxo namaste mama!!