December 12, 2015

Sunrise, Sunset .

In some moments, I miss playing classical music so much that it brings me to  Heart feels heavy with both joy and longing.

Isn't it so strange how Love Lost, or put aside (for over ten years) can sit so Earthen within our Souls, and then come astir seemingly from no where, and everywhere all at once?

A sporadic well of  Self un-expressed.

When I see and feel live classical performances , or, hear a particularly progressive instrumental piece at home.....that feeling of being swept up in expression and creation--of something beautiful, meaningful, timeless blankets my whole being as if I am right there playing once again.

 I miss the community, the inside jokes, the expression, the inspiration, the discipline, the contentment for being where I sit knowing there are always those on either side ever evolving.

 And, it's the magic of when you take a break from a plateau, only to return with better skill and understanding. As if the time away in non-practice somehow magically left enough space to finally get it.....To improve without even trying...that subconscious kind of assimilation.

That said, though I would like to illuminate how the past ten years was some kind of magical "aha" break, where I could return without total frustration for having lost practice and connection....

I am not sure that I yet can. It feels more like an acceptance and a mourning <3 Maybe it's a lesson to not give up on Life Lovings in response to particular circumstances.

Maybe it's to show, how, yes, indeed we make big choices that change our lives forever, and sometimes there's no real turning back.

But, actually, I think it's more a lesson of how we can bury huge pieces of our true selves when we don't allow ourselves to be who we are...outside of the pre-shaped boxes handed to us.

It's about the fight. It's about being true to yourself.

See, while I loved playing classical, I longed to play progressive music in an intimate group. I felt melodic, impromptu, and layered most of the time, but, not at all jazzy...and I didn't really fit into any classic forms. At the time I was guided to commercial  music by a mentor. I said "hell no".

Then, when I couldn't find my voice in classical, instead of forging my own path, I turned away from it. So long almost fifteen years of my Life.  I willingly gave away my power on several occasions, felt burned, and eventually walked away.

I also didn't push myself nearly enough. I did not take time to forge true discipline and commitment. I billowed over like a Willow switch.

Coincidentally, this aligned with the intro. to the digital age, and, I even stopped listening to music for a few years. Once I figured out how to use a flipping MP3 player (still struggle here), I fell back in love. I finally kind of get how to use iTunes, and use Pandora and Amazon music all the time. I've been re-upping my music collection for the past five years and falling in love with the so many bands that seem to have forged the sound my Heart strings longed for. It brings joy!

It reminds me to not take gifts for granted. I do not regret having shifted my deeper focus from music to the mind/body/spirit/metaphysical. I mean, those subjects have been with me since I was a child of years under two digits. It feels true. And, reminds me that if we don't nourish our hobbies, loves, communities, and gifts with our own time....they can't nourish us back!

"You are worth your time!"... I found myself unconsciously repeating this in the car earlier last week on the way to work. I was thinking about clients and friends and family, and how this may be a theme for the upcoming week. Indeed, it has been.

Anyhow, in all all my selfish sharing of this...I wonder how you can also dig deep for those treasures that once brought you so much Life, excitement and flow. In practice, I like to ask my guides before bed to share with me a Dream for clarity. I love to anoint with Frankincense for this very ask. For, Frankincense reaches a hand out to our Hearts, guides us away from our heads, and reminds us of how we long to feel and where we long to be.

I guess that's where it ends for now.

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