September 6, 2012

Finding My Voice

As our hearts open up like a poppy flower in bloom....

So...I began this blog years ago in hopes to be able to finally speak out to the world...not really thinking anyone would read it...more so as an exercise to feel comfortable in my own skin. The only problem was...I couldn't find a way to lay it out there without worrying about my vulnerability.

I realized now that in a sense, I was afraid to be myself.

I recently met with a friend about blogging who I consider a pro.... she's just so good at it all around. My favorite part...she speaks from the heart! Her biggest tip of advice was to not write to your audience. Write as if you were speaking to a good friend. This opened my heart up to endless possibilities of blogging conversations and topics. The thought collages I create all day long may actually graduate past my random  jots on scrap paper...with an attempt to spill them over and onto this blog.

I think about this blog a wouldn't think so by the infrequency of posts, but, I do. I think about the many topics that I would love to cover, but, often times I find reasons not to write a damn thing. Mostly fairly self defeating reasons that I won't get into. The great news is, (though it's taken me years to finally fall into it), I finally realize that it's ridiculous to be to self-defeating in thinking that I have nothing good to say. Who's to say it's good or bad? Either's me. So be it.

I can't guarantee a streamline focus of topic here. My work is in holistic health and I think that's for a reason. I think about a lot of things that I have seen work...color therapy, bodywork, botanical medicine, nutrition, philosophy, design, connection to the spirit world, meditation, yoga, the animals, insects, symbolism, the scientific aspects of life, astrology, photography, music, gardening.. divination.... the list goes on and on....

So, as I am stepping out of my proverbial writing closet (overly-protective armor of self-consciousness undone), I still feel a little nervous; In case you didn't notice, I like to talk in circles. I think it's a family trait. And...for those of you who know me well...sometimes I lack a filter. Or, maybe it's that I like to be straight forward and I am not Southernly sweet about it. I am a native New Yorker after all.

I realize that about ten years ago I began to stifle my loudness factor by like ten billion. I thought I should be a wall flower. I wore olive green I think subconsciously knowing it is like the worst possible color I could EVER wear...almost every day. Over the past few years, I rediscovered the concept of wearing color and I think it is one of the biggest positive changes I made in my life! It was like I had a life again.

I love to talk, I love to write, for those of you close to know this. I have piles and boxes of journals that I have kept since I could even begin to write. I have found myself talking to other writers about writing over the year. It almost always goes like this...I follow any and all comments up with, "I mean, I am not a writer  or anything...". It gave me a dull little pang in my gut every time, yet, I continued to say it. My body was talking to me. It was saying, "I am a writer...maybe not a formally trained writer, and maybe not really even a good writer, but I am a writer."

So. Here it is. The rebirth of my a great time for me where I am experiencing a re-birth of my spirit.

The kind where my inner self is finally stepping out and not worrying about the criticism of others. Whoosh! That's big for me and feels great to type out loud. It looks like a bright red poppy flower that inspires an impressionistic painting of a flamenco dress that billows with the energy of the music in which it dances. 

So, it's time for me to get back to the office. I am really happy that I finally decided to make it to the coffee shop this afternoon with little expectations of my productivity. Especially thank you to the wild hearted young women who spoke so loudly next to me that they distracted me from being "productive". Who needs to do taxes anyway?  Writing this blog is so much more what I felt like doing.  Everyone deserves time to just be...

In celebration, this weekend, I am going to scatter those scarlet red poppy seeds that have been waiting to bloom all year.

Love to you and without armor,

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